Elizabeth II died on 8th September 2022 at Balmoral Castle at the age of 96 – almost a year to the day since I published this – bringing her 70-year reign to a close.
For context, this post is a parody of the obsession many media outlets had with her death and funeral arrangements before it sadly (perhaps unexpectedly) came to pass. As mentioned below it was an obsession I found distasteful and disrespectful despite being a republican. It’s worth saying that so there are no crossed wires. There is no “Rite of the Blessed Peace” (unfortunately) and the late Queen’s remains weren’t carried in a motorbike sidecar.
Nonetheless, I have to applaud the banter of hanging on just long enough to make sure that she wouldn’t face the indignity of having that floppy haired fop slung-out-of-office-in-disgrace of a former Prime Minister being involved in any significant way, yet not long enough to ensure Liz Truss wouldn’t be thrown a live hand grenade in the first days of her premiership.
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Discounting republicans, the impression has long been given that the Queen is generally well-liked.
Despite this, parts of the UK press continue to publicly relish the coming end of a very alive mother, grandmother and great-grandmother even after she’s just lost her husband. They do so with all the patience of an undertaker with a large gambling debt to the mob.
The plans for “Operation London Bridge” leaked (again) recently and while the right-wing press was outraged by this treachery, they went ahead and published the details anyway instead of maintaining a respectful silence.
As everyone is now very well-versed in what will happen, you all know that the day of the death will be referred to as “D-Day”, with each following day referred to as “D+1,” “D+2”, “D = ST” and so on.
D-Day
The Queen’s private secretary will poke Her Majesty three times with a stick, shouting “Face me if you dare!” If there’s no answer, the death can be announced.
Everyone assumes the codeword to inform the civil service and alike remains “London Bridge is Down”. However, given that these ultra-top-secret-nobody-should-talk-about-it plans have been leaked about eight times in the last five years, it’s probably something else by now like: “Windsor Castle is Haunted” or “Stiff Upper Lip, Arms & Legs”.
If Boris Johnson is still in office, contingencies have been made for the message to be repeated several times to make it clear that London Bridge hasn’t collapsed – and it doesn’t mean Tower Bridge either.
The announcement will go out to the public as a newsflash to the Press Association, Reuters as well as Gibbo, Burnsy and Cheeks on WhatsApp.
If there are any leaks from reliable sources before the official announcement, it would be a very good time to buy shares in Netflix because it’ll be state-enforced misery and Paul Burrell for the next fortnight. We have, mercifully, been spared James Whitaker.
Every senior news anchor will be down on their knees begging that it doesn’t happen on their shift because people will complain about what they do regardless – particularly those at the BBC, who will either be not reverential enough or too reverential. “YOUR BLACK ISN’T BLACK ENOUGH!” vs “WHY IS EASTENDERS ON BBC2! THAT’S NOT WHAT THE QUEEN WOULD’VE WANTED!”
Death pools will be solemnly paid out in a dignified manner. Radio stations will play inoffensive and downbeat music, which ironically means that Queen will be banned from the airwaves.
Pints will be quickly downed to the halfway point in all public houses as a mark of respect. From that point on until the day after the funeral, pubs will only be allowed to serve foam. The police will also be given powers to issue on-the-spot fines for smiling.
Convents will be raided, rounded up then fired into the Thames by the Royal Artillery as a 41-nun salute.
D + 1
The Demise of the Crown kickstarts a series of medieval pantomimes we all pretend act as a constitution.
It begins with the Accession Council, who will meet to give the illusion that there’s some sort of choice involved when it was all done and dusted the moment Phil went nuts deep.
Around this point, all those who thought the crown would skip Charles and go straight to William “because it’s what Diana wanted” will get angry when they realise that’s not how monarchies work.
The first people will forget the words to the UK national dirge. So you’ll hear a lot of: “Go-oood….Save….the….Que….iiiing”.
D + 2
The Queen’s remains will return to London. There are a whole host of scenarios depending on where they are coming from: Operation UNICORN (from Balmoral by rail), Operation OVERSTUDY (Balmoral by plane), Operation LAMBCHOP (Wales), Operation BALACLAVA (Northern Ireland), Operation LABYRINTH (Goblin Kingdom).
D + 3
The start of a several-day process of politicians trying to outdo each other in expressing how upset they are.
“WHY DO THE GOOD ONES DIE YOUNG! WHY!? IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!” some backbench Tory MP you’ve never heard will wail, thrashing the floor at new King’s feet, “SHE WAS THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS! SAINT MAGGIE THATCHER! SWEET ENGLAND’S ROSE!”
Some republican politician will prove they’re too cool for school by saying “the late Mrs Windsor”, but it’ll come across about as sincere and edgy as a sixth-former wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt.
D + 4
As above. Still dead.
D + 5
The military procession from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Hall.
Loads of regiments with names like the Queen’s Baboon Guards, Prince of Wales Auxillary Armoured Field Canteen and Household Stationery will take part, playing the kind of music you usually hear when your empire has been conquered in Civilization.
Nobody will witness it in real life because everyone lining the route will be holding phones in front of their faces.
D + 6
What would otherwise be considered a public health hazard if it happened to the rest of us – lying dead in a dusty room for several days – is called “lying in state” when you’re the Queen. People will travel to Westminster Hall to confirm for themselves that all the pictures on television, the internet and in newspapers for the last several days have not been faked and there really is a coffin in a middle of a dusty room.
It’s estimated that around 500,000 people will file past, but this is deliberately under-estimated so the government can say how beloved the late monarch is when two or three times that (the real estimate) turn up.
A Concert of Remembrance & Thanksgiving will take place in the presence of Her Majesty’s remains, with performances by musicians Her Majesty specifically disapproved of.
It’s understood the list includes Mumford & Sons, the Bee Gee, Phil Collins and “that ghastly Morrissey fellow”.
After the concert, the performers will be executed utilising the little known Rite of Blessed Peace. The rite dates back to the reign of Henry VIII, who ordered a troupe of minstrels to be beheaded after they disturbed the funeral of Henry VII.
D + 7
Still dead.
D + 8
Still dead.
D + 9
Still dead.
D + 10
To recoup some of the expense for taxpayers, the State Funeral will be brought to you by SurfShark and Manscaped – shave your balls. You hope for a day off but won’t get one.
The remains will be transported from Westminster Hall to Westminster Abbey on a gun carriage hauled by one thousand corgis dressed in navy uniforms.
After the service, the coffin of the Queen – who secretly won the Isle of Man TT in the 1950s – will be transported from London to Windsor via her prized Harley Davidson in a sidecar complete with a floral arrangement: “LIZ 2”.
Finally, the coffin will then be interred below St George’s Chapel, where the remains will be handed back to the reptilians via an interdimensional rift.