State of Wales Productions proudly presents The Bastardised Wizard of Oz, starring:
- Dorothy – curious about the journey; doesn’t have a face.
- The Lion – The Fashfinder General; a social-media-savvy feline whose only joys in life are harvesting likes, hot takes and being offended.
- The Tinman – a gender non-denominational tin-plated robot designed to perform complicated tasks beyond the capabilities of the layperson.
- And finally, the Scarecrow – professionally Welsh; “Caru Cymru”; always has to deny they’re anti-English.
For the sake of cutting to the chase, there’s no tornado or musical numbers and all of the main characters are there from the very start.
The Wicked Witch of the East has already been dealt with. Local villagers narrowly voted to drop a house of glass, steel and slate on her body and her legacy. The only sign that there’s someone under there is an arm sticking out clutching a handbag.
The members of the group are told that there’s a place over yonder where all of their problems will be solved, bringing peace and prosperity for the rest of their lives and the lives of future generations. Supposedly. All they need to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road. It’s a daunting enough task without the added problem of The Wicked Witch of the West being determined to stop them.
The Scarecrow is the most hyped-up about the journey and can’t wait to start. They don’t care how long the road is; they just like the idea of having people to go there with. What they lack in patience they make up for with zeal. Their smartphone beeps, “Have you seen what this no mark Tory MP from the English shires has just said about the Welsh flag!? I wouldn’t have even known about it if it wasn’t for Twitter! It’s great to finally have some impartial news about Wales!”
“Twitter?”, the Lion puffs, “Welcome to 2012….You don’t mind if you put this on Twitter, do you?”
The Tinman is motionless. They’re determined not to make any movements until they see where everyone else is going, “I must follow them, for I am their leader.”
The journey can’t start without the resources and support of the Munchkin villagers. The representatives of The Lollipop Guild, with unhindered enthusiasm, tell the group to follow the Yellow Brick Road, but they’re outnumbered by those who need convincing and those who don’t think it’s a good idea – either because they’re happy with the way things are, or because the Wicked Witch will take it out on them if it goes wrong.
Pushing themselves to the front, the Lion appoints themselves spokesperson for the group. They set out to win over the villagers whether they like it or not.
Having already seen the Lion eat Toto, some Munchkins run away. Others slam their doors shut. A few peer out from their upstairs windows as the Lion roars to them to come out and play. “Why are you so scared!?” the Lion growls, before taking a sniff of the air, “You have the right to say anything, but anything you do say may be used as evidence against you that you’re a WRONGTHINK!”
The Lion circles the village square, visiting each door one by one armed with witty banter and a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. “This one’s too old,” the decidedly middle-aged and slightly arthritic Lion sticks a paw through a letterbox and shouts, “The future is now!”
“We can all see through this fash,” the Lion snarks outside another home, “What a fucking cunt.”
The resident Munchkin opens their bedroom window and shouts back, “I asked a reasonable question about the purpose of your journey and what it would mean for the village but you didn’t have any answers!”
“Gaslighting leophobe cunt!” the Lion roars back. “Always trying to keep a good cat down!” Lion pulls out their smartphone, asking calmly, “Can you start again from the ‘reasonable question’ bit? I’ve got 20 minutes without posting something on Whatsapp and myself and my fellow kids need a laugh.”
The window slams shut.
After hours of circling the square, scouring Twitter for dodgy quotes to pounce upon and not doing anything productive, the Lion exhausts themselves. They struggle to keep up with their list of who’s a member of the security services, splitter, bigot, woke, Unionist troll, a Glyndwr, bot, nonce, boomer, zoomer, coomer, doomer or cunt.
The mental gymnastics cause the Lion to feel faint. “Oh, oh….I think I’m having an episode….” They raise a paw to their forehead and start hyperventilating, “It’s soooo hard being right all the time. If only I had more courage to confront our enemies more forcefully.”
The other members of the group watched the whole thing with a mix of horror and confusion, but were too afraid to do or say anything because provoking a lion’s fury and starting a pile on can ruin your day.
“Is this what you call winning people around to your way of thinking?” Dorothy asks the Lion.
“Lions are famous for treading lightly! My diplomatic skills are second to none! Also, hate the dress. You look frumpy. “
The Lion is briefly distracted by a group of villagers sobbing next to a mound of corpses, “Oh, shut up!” they groan. “I only gave them a tactful bite! I wouldn’t need to do it if you just agreed with me! Hashtag: Be Kind!”
“You’ve forgotten why you started doing this,” Dorothy says. “You’re addicted to being angry. You think you’re mastering a game but you’re just another piece on the board being played by someone else feeding off that anger.
“From your perspective, you were having a conversation. All that the villagers saw is a lion tearing about roaring and scratching their doors.
“You need the thing you constantly claim other people need: seeing things from another’s point of view.”