State of Wales Productions proudly presents The Bastardised Wizard of Oz, starring:
- Dorothy – curious about the journey; doesn’t have a face.
- The Lion – The Fashfinder General; a social-media-savvy feline whose only joys in life are harvesting likes, hot takes and being offended.
- The Tinman – a gender non-denominational tin-plated robot designed to perform complicated tasks beyond the capabilities of the layperson.
- And finally, the Scarecrow – professionally Welsh; “Caru Cymru”; always has to deny they’re anti-English.
For the sake of cutting to the chase, there’s no tornado or musical numbers and all of the main characters are there from the very start.
The Wicked Witch of the East has already been dealt with. Local villagers narrowly voted to drop a house of glass, steel and slate on her body and her legacy. The only sign that there’s someone under there is an arm sticking out clutching a handbag.
The members of the group are told that there’s a place over yonder where all of their problems will be solved, bringing peace and prosperity for the rest of their lives and the lives of future generations. Supposedly. All they need to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road. It’s a daunting enough task without the added problem of The Wicked Witch of the West being determined to stop them.
The Scarecrow is the most hyped-up about the journey and can’t wait to start. They don’t care how long the road is; they just like the idea of having people to go there with. What they lack in patience they make up for with zeal. Their smartphone beeps, “Have you seen what this no mark Tory MP from the English shires has just said about the Welsh flag!? I wouldn’t have even known about it if it wasn’t for Twitter! It’s great to finally have some impartial news about Wales!”
“Twitter?”, the Lion puffs, “Welcome to 2012….You don’t mind if you put this on Twitter, do you?”
The Tinman is motionless. They’re determined not to make any movements until they see where everyone else is going, “I must follow them, for I am their leader.”
The journey can’t start without the resources and support of the Munchkin villagers. The representatives of The Lollipop Guild, with unhindered enthusiasm, tell the group to follow the Yellow Brick Road, but they’re outnumbered by those who need convincing and those who don’t think it’s a good idea – either because they’re happy with the way things are, or because the Wicked Witch will take it out on them if it goes wrong.
With the half-hearted support of the villagers, the group finally started their journey, approaching a bridge over a stagnant looking river. They’ve already been on the road for a long time, but they’re frustrated at how long it’s taken to travel such a short distance and are starting to get a bit jittery.
“Wait a minute,” the Tinman holds a hand up, then taps the side of their oversized head, “I’ve done a big brain. What we need is a clearer sense of direction and purpose.” The group stops to listen.
“I’ve reviewed all of the available literature. If we take a hard turn here and go in a perfectly straight line we’ll arrive at our destination far quicker than if we stuck to the so-called Yellow Brick Road.”
The Tinman points towards a dense jungle-like forest and a distinctly shit smelling swamp which the river runs alongside.
“Are you sure?” Dorothy asks. “Has anyone else gone that way before and reached the end?”
“No, but we will be the first,” the Tinman states proudly. “Debate me if you think that’s a bad idea, but I must warn you I’ve spoken at many seminars on the topic of applied theoretical bullshit.”
“Sticking to the road will take longer and we all want this to be over as quickly as possible,” Dorothy counters, “but at least we have an idea of what we’re getting into. We won’t get stuck in that jungle and I’m pretty sure the Munchkins have been using the swamp as a toilet.”
“Ah, typical centrist!” The Tinman snorts. “The only available route is a road made up of golden yellow bricks. How conveniently closed-minded and neoliberal!
“I assure you I’ve done a detailed systematic qualitative and quantitative analysis of the situation,” the Tinman adds authoritatively. “We can traverse the swamp by walking on those floating carcasses.”
“You could at least use your axe to cut down a few of these trees and make a bridge….” Dorothy is cut off. She’s there to listen and learn.
“As a radical suggestion, I recommend we walk backwards too,” the Tinman adds. “We can then confront the future and all its dangers with the air of absolute confidence, all whilst facing the mistakes of the past….Would that make a good foreword?”
“So you plan to moonwalk to the end?” the Lion ponders. “I can meme that. Can we wear blindfolds too?”
“I like your thinking,” the Tinman says while moonwalking closer and closer to the edge of the swamp. Dorothy can see what’s coming, but the Tinman was too fixated on what the destination is going to look like to pay attention to how they were getting there.
“Wales’ defence policy will consist of angrily quoting Raymond Williams at the UN! Nobody will work more than 2 hours a fortnight! Wales will be the world’s first naturist nation! Op-Ed idea: ‘If Wales is to become independent we need to bottle our farts and sell them as NFTs.’ Vegan cheesemaking will be a compulsory part of the curriculum! Poverty will be outlawed by giving everyone a million social e-credits….”
Tinman slips on a wet rock and falls backwards into the swamp, splashing the Lion in the process. The weight of their frame causes them to sink quickly. “I’m struggling to find the most appropriate quote to sum up this situation,” they say. “Bad smell,” the Tinman croaks, “really bad smell.”
“Write this down,” the Tinman pleads to the Lion, desperately trying to keep their head above water. “I want my obituary to read, ‘It may not have been the most practical route, but it was the most radical. Why would we need to reach the end, when we can settle for a moral victory instead?'”
“You may know where the destination is and the supposed fastest route,” Dorothy says, “but you haven’t come close to getting us there and you’ve held us up.”
The group drag the Tinman out of the swamp but are sure to keep them upwind.
“Look, you’re a very intelligent piece of machinery, but you’re a walking bibliography and your ideas probably aren’t as original as you think they are. You’ve given us a good idea of what to aim for, but all you’re doing is setting yourself and the rest of us up for disappointment by giving us unrealistic expectations of what we can achieve now.
“Any intellectual leadership we need to fall in behind – because ‘you know what you’re talking about’ – needs to accept there are no shortcuts. If you’re going to tell everyone where to go, the least you can do is bring a map that has more than just the destination and the starting point on it.”
