State of Wales Productions proudly presents The Bastardised Wizard of Oz, starring:
- Dorothy – curious about the journey; doesn’t have a face.
- The Lion – The Fashfinder General; a social-media-savvy feline whose only joys in life are harvesting likes, hot takes and being offended.
- The Tinman – a gender non-denominational tin-plated robot designed to perform complicated tasks beyond the capabilities of the layperson.
- And finally, the Scarecrow – professionally Welsh; “Caru Cymru”; always has to deny they’re anti-English.
For the sake of cutting to the chase, there’s no tornado or musical numbers and all of the main characters are there from the very start.
The Wicked Witch of the East has already been dealt with. Local villagers narrowly voted to drop a house of glass, steel and slate on her body and her legacy. The only sign that there’s someone under there is an arm sticking out clutching a handbag.
The members of the group are told that there’s a place over yonder where all of their problems will be solved, bringing peace and prosperity for the rest of their lives and the lives of future generations. Supposedly. All they need to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road. It’s a daunting enough task without the added problem of The Wicked Witch of the West being determined to stop them.
The Scarecrow is the most hyped-up about the journey and can’t wait to start. They don’t care how long the road is; they just like the idea of having people to go there with. What they lack in patience they make up for with zeal. Their smartphone beeps, “Have you seen what this no mark Tory MP from the English shires has just said about the Welsh flag!? I wouldn’t have even known about it if it wasn’t for Twitter! It’s great to finally have some impartial news about Wales!”
“Twitter?”, the Lion puffs, “Welcome to 2012….You don’t mind if you put this on Twitter, do you?”
The Tinman is motionless. They’re determined not to make any movements until they see where everyone else is going, “I must follow them, for I am their leader.”
The journey can’t start without the resources and support of the Munchkin villagers. The representatives of The Lollipop Guild, with unhindered enthusiasm, tell the group to follow the Yellow Brick Road, but they’re outnumbered by those who need convincing and those who don’t think it’s a good idea – either because they’re happy with the way things are, or because the Wicked Witch will take it out on them if it goes wrong.
While the others were distracted talking to the Tinman, the Scarecrow had wandered off towards a separate dense forest.
The Scarecrow was slowly walking towards it, having been seduced by a pair of twinkling yellow eyes, “The others don’t respect you”, a raspy voice says from the shadows, “they’re laughing at you behind your back.”
The eyes emerge from the darkness, making it clear that they belong to an enormous snake, joined by a flock of mischievous birds cawing from the branches overhead. “You’re the only true believer. I know a shortcut that’s much better than Tinman’s. You’ll get to the end first and be the hero of this story!”
“You make a good point there,” the Scarecrow ponders, “I’ve had a gutsful of that lot! I’m doing all the heavy lifting but we keep getting distracted because they’re always arguing amongst themselves!”
“Exactly,” the snake hisses. “If you ask me, it’s Lion’s fault. They don’t really believe in all of this. They’re just deadweight and slowing you down.”
The others realise Scarecrow has gone walkabout. Noticing the others approaching, Scarecrow decides to lecture them for a change, “Isn’t it about time we talked about whether we need lions on this journey? I have nothing against cats, but….lions are just overgrown cats and I secretly hate cats.” The Scarecrow pretends they’ve slipped up on purpose, “Wps! Did I just say that out loud!? I hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.”
The Lion roars at the scarecrow and gets ready to pounce.
“I’m telling you Scarecrow,” the snake continues. “Ditch them. I know the right way. We don’t need any of them.”
The Scarecrow looks back-and-fore between the group and the snake, “I don’t know….”
The snake seizes the opportunity to launch itself at Scarecrow, while the birds attack the rest of the group. The snake locks its jaws around Scarecrow’s head. The others fend off the birds and throw pieces of the Yellow Brick Road at the snake, convincing the reptile that it wasn’t worth the effort.
“The only reason any of us are on this journey is because of Scarecrow. They were pushing us to get a move on at the start and have kept our spirits up,” Dorothy says, hoping to draw a line under it all. “That terrifies the rest of us because we think we’re better than them. Scarecrow isn’t fashionable enough. You cringe whenever they’re mentioned.
“You kept them around to make up the numbers but you never expected them to actually voice an opinion on how things are going. Yet you demand they cede to your wisdom and let you decide what to do as though you’ve done any better? Unfortunately, Scarecrow played right into the hands of those with agendas of their own.
“This is what the Wicked Witch wants. Pick a select number of issues on which it’s difficult for us all to agree and start arguments to make us think we’re not just on different sides but enemies. We walked right into it, but we can still re-group and keep going?”
After a silence, Tinman chimes in, “If we’re unable to work together productively, the logical course of action would be for us to make our way to the end separately.”
“Yeah, go fuck yourselves,” the Lion adds. “I don’t need any of you anyway. Blocked!”
“Bradwyr!” the Scarecrow curses under their breath.
The group splits up and heads in different directions.
