State of Wales Productions proudly presents The Bastardised Wizard of Oz, starring:
- Dorothy – curious about the journey; doesn’t have a face.
- The Lion – The Fashfinder General; a social-media-savvy feline whose only joys in life are harvesting likes, hot takes and being offended.
- The Tinman – a gender non-denominational tin-plated robot designed to perform complicated tasks beyond the capabilities of the layperson.
- And finally, the Scarecrow – professionally Welsh; “Caru Cymru”; always has to deny they’re anti-English.
For the sake of cutting to the chase, there’s no tornado or musical numbers and all of the main characters are there from the very start.
The Wicked Witch of the East has already been dealt with. Local villagers narrowly voted to drop a house of glass, steel and slate on her body and her legacy. The only sign that there’s someone under there is an arm sticking out clutching a handbag.
The members of the group are told that there’s a place over yonder where all of their problems will be solved, bringing peace and prosperity for the rest of their lives and the lives of future generations. Supposedly. All they need to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road. It’s a daunting enough task without the added problem of The Wicked Witch of the West being determined to stop them.
The Scarecrow is the most hyped-up about the journey and can’t wait to start. They don’t care how long the road is; they just like the idea of having people to go there with. What they lack in patience they make up for with zeal. Their smartphone beeps, “Have you seen what this no mark Tory MP from the English shires has just said about the Welsh flag!? I wouldn’t have even known about it if it wasn’t for Twitter! It’s great to finally have some impartial news about Wales!”
“Twitter?”, the Lion puffs, “Welcome to 2012….You don’t mind if you put this on Twitter, do you?”
The Tinman is motionless. They’re determined not to make any movements until they see where everyone else is going, “I must follow them, for I am their leader.”
The journey can’t start without the resources and support of the Munchkin villagers. The representatives of The Lollipop Guild, with unhindered enthusiasm, tell the group to follow the Yellow Brick Road, but they’re outnumbered by those who need convincing and those who don’t think it’s a good idea – either because they’re happy with the way things are, or because the Wicked Witch will take it out on them if it goes wrong.
The Lion wanders off in a random direction staring at their phone. The Tinman is moonwalking through a swamp in a straight line. The Scarecrow saunters around the woods in circles, shouting slogans, waving flags and writing terrible poetry. Dorothy sticks to the road but it quickly runs out because it only appears in front of them if all of them are there.
Each one, nonetheless, sees the end goal in sight. Each one imagines themselves getting there alone without anyone else’s help, arriving to rapturous applause and the thanks of a grateful nation. If you say the wrong thing, stand up for the wrong people or if your face just doesn’t fit – you’re out of their club. If they don’t make it, it’s somebody else’s fault – just as it’s been for the last 800 years. It’s the Welsh way.
While in the eyes of each of them they could reach the end with one last push over the next hill, around the next corner, or through the next set of brambles, it was all a mirage.
It was a trick by the Wicked Witch, aided by the group’s over-optimism regarding how long the journey would take and how quickly they decided they were better off amplifying each other’s weaknesses instead of pooling their strengths.
The disappointment on their faces was there for all to see when – instead of completing the journey – they reappear right back where they started, demoralised and covered in cuts and bruises. The Munchkins sigh and shake their heads, going back to their daily business. They’ve seen it all before.
Only the Scarecrow maintains any enthusiasm and acts as though they’re the winner in all of this, putting the others in their place for once – but deep down they know they haven’t won anything.
The Tinman still thinks going in a straight line backwards is a fantastic idea and refuses to accept any other route. The Lion decides to use the Scarecrow as a scratching post. Dorothy, rendered breathless by the whole ordeal, whimpers “I’m not doing that again.”
The Wicked Witch of the West circles overhead on a broom, “Stand down the flying monkeys”, they say, adding cackles of laughter. “That was a lot easier than I was expecting!”
